on my HEART.

I can't remember wanting anything as much as I want a baby. We've been trying for six months and we're still not pregnant. Whenever we started trying after our second wedding anniversary, I thought it would be cake. We decide to have a baby, pick the time of year when it would be most convenient, and then make it happen. Why not, right?

 

 

Why in the world was I so foolish as to think that I could write out God's plans to fit my own agenda?

 

There are days, like today, when I throw myself a pity party. I bawl and question. I get mad and scared. I worry and assume. I know that all the things in the back of my mind aren't going to fix anything...but sometimes I think that I can fix things myself. I want to be able to fix it by sheer will and determination. I think that I can be the cause to make it happen.

 

 

Being okay with God being in control instead of ME...my biggest issue.

 

With a smile on my face, I was passing out candy to some trick-or-treaters today. But I was screaming inside. "Why not me?! What did I do so wrong? Is there something wrong with me?"

 

 

Seriously, I know people are just trying to help when they say things like, "it usually takes people at least a year to get pregnant" or "maybe it's just not God's timing" or "you are stressing too much", but you DON'T want to hear that when you're heart is set on being a mother. You just want someone to grab your hands and say, "I know exactly how you feel, and I'm so sorry." No answers; no conclusions. I mean, I'm doing enough of that myself anyway.

I don't know if you're supposed to be this personal on your blog, but we share our lives...and this is real. So, I'm shouting this at the top of my lungs!

 

Even though it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, even though I can't even find words anymore, even though my words don't even have complete thoughts, even though I feel like I keep repeating myself over and over and over…here it goes (again):

God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to control this myself. I'm sorry for not letting You have Your way in me. I'm sorry for talking too much and not listening…

 

I'm simply asking for You to give me peace with however You decide to bless us. If that includes having a baby, then I'll praise You. If it doesn't, then I'll praise You.

 

 

I can never say thank you enough for so many things. I have a wonderful husband who loves You and challenges me every day. I have a wonderful, healthy family that is close and strives to serve You. I have a BEAUTIFUL niece and nephew in my life, and I love them as if they were my own. But most of all God, I have the assurance of a home in heaven with You because You sent Your only Son to die for me. I can't even begin to imagine what that was like. The only child You ever had and You gave Him up for ME?!!? What? Who does that?!!?

When I begin to wonder or even get upset, please remind me of that fact. I'm so in love with You, and I long to see You one day.

 

I have complete trust that You have us where you want us and you know the plans You have for me. I give this up to You completely.   

 

~Mel